This may be the most important thing you read all year

Hey. That's your newest retail employee, Salvador Hanks, and when you hire a new employee, it's really important to train that employee. Really important. Lucky for you, I created an amazing training program for retail employees. You may be wondering what my credentials are, so here they are...get ready...they are coming...you will read them. I've worked no longer than three months at a time for three different retail stores in the same outdoor mall, so I have a lot of experience. Also, I stole part of my concept from my current employer. My concept is simple...simply powerful! One of the most important factors in any form of employee training is the use of acronyms. It just is. Actually, it is the most important factor. If you don't use acronyms to train retail employees, you're essentially paying someone to tell your customers that your company does not care about them...at all. This may be true, but you certainly don't want the customer to know that. Who's with me? Anyway, I have an easy-to-remember acronym, and you need to teach it to your employees. Here it is:



S- Stand up at the cash register. Do not sit down on the floor.



M- Make words with your mouth, like 'hello' or 'milk shake.'



I- Imitate the customer. It let's them know they're in a fun and friendly environment.



L- Lie to customers. They'll love it.



E- Ensheathe people. Because it sounds kind of dirty.



Y- Yell at customers. It helps keep the line moving.



W-Weep openly. It's unhealthy to hold in your emotions, especially at work.

I- Invite customers to your house. It makes them feel like they're part of something special.

N- Never underestimate the power of good communication skills, and never forget those skills are inappropriate in a retail environment.

K- Keys to success are always within reach, unless you're a woman and you work at Wal-Mart. Then you're fucked. Big time.

S- Shit talking. You will spend 98% of your time shit talking fellow employees, managers, and customers, so get really good at it.

So there you have it! SMILEY WINKS. An easy and fun to remember acronym that prepares your employees for all the joys and sorrows of retail. Good luck, Salvador Hanks, though with the SMILEY WINKS program, you probably won't need it.