Hey guys

Ok, so this blog has moved and become another blog. I already explained why on said other blog, so here's the link: http://superire.wordpress.com/ Go there. now.

This may be the most important thing you read all year

Hey. That's your newest retail employee, Salvador Hanks, and when you hire a new employee, it's really important to train that employee. Really important. Lucky for you, I created an amazing training program for retail employees. You may be wondering what my credentials are, so here they are...get ready...they are coming...you will read them. I've worked no longer than three months at a time for three different retail stores in the same outdoor mall, so I have a lot of experience. Also, I stole part of my concept from my current employer. My concept is simple...simply powerful! One of the most important factors in any form of employee training is the use of acronyms. It just is. Actually, it is the most important factor. If you don't use acronyms to train retail employees, you're essentially paying someone to tell your customers that your company does not care about them...at all. This may be true, but you certainly don't want the customer to know that. Who's with me? Anyway, I have an easy-to-remember acronym, and you need to teach it to your employees. Here it is:



S- Stand up at the cash register. Do not sit down on the floor.



M- Make words with your mouth, like 'hello' or 'milk shake.'



I- Imitate the customer. It let's them know they're in a fun and friendly environment.



L- Lie to customers. They'll love it.



E- Ensheathe people. Because it sounds kind of dirty.



Y- Yell at customers. It helps keep the line moving.



W-Weep openly. It's unhealthy to hold in your emotions, especially at work.

I- Invite customers to your house. It makes them feel like they're part of something special.

N- Never underestimate the power of good communication skills, and never forget those skills are inappropriate in a retail environment.

K- Keys to success are always within reach, unless you're a woman and you work at Wal-Mart. Then you're fucked. Big time.

S- Shit talking. You will spend 98% of your time shit talking fellow employees, managers, and customers, so get really good at it.

So there you have it! SMILEY WINKS. An easy and fun to remember acronym that prepares your employees for all the joys and sorrows of retail. Good luck, Salvador Hanks, though with the SMILEY WINKS program, you probably won't need it.

KRAFT CHEESE

KRAFT CHEESE! PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!

Hmm...What should I wear today? It needs to be comfortable, neutral, and versatile. Oh, and I also need to fit all these things in my pockets:

Oh, good. These are perfect.

hey it's been a while

Sorry guys, but I've been really busy picking up high school boys downtown. I like to go down there everyday and check out the talent. Actually, I've been doing something way less interesting/gross: going to the chiropractor, who, BTW, is a total H with a B who's A is N. I also went to the dentist and the doctor...also I took a nap. I've also been working on some small "projects," but I don't have much to show for it.



Today I graded a bunch of papers for my dad, and while doing so I saw no less than 15 high school girls who dress way better than I do. Awesome. But, I finally came up with a series-thing for my blog: lists! Don't worry, it's not going to be all lists, all the time, just a feature of sorts...like an advice column without advice. I don't know. I'm trying to think of personal challenges to give myself, but I think I'm way too boring...we'll see. I think I'll be reviewing some movies as well. And I promised comics...fuck. Maybe my blog will just be daily posts about how great my blog will be someday. maybe not. Anyway, expect the first list now!



Here is a list of the top 10 places you don't want to go in Bend because they are scary or awful.

• Bi-mart-I actually like Bi-Mart, it's the location that's the problem. Not only is it within walking distance of #9 on this list, but it is surrounded by feral cats. Unless you park on the left side of the building, you would never know the cats were there. I don't know how many cats there are, but I would guess the number to be somewhere around 15. Yeah.


• Garage Sales-Everyone knows that garage sales in Bend are 90% golf balls/car parts/baby clothes/teeth, 5 % commemorative cups, 3% a Capella tapes, 2% interesting stuff, and 100% over priced. Throwing a bunch of old Pole, Peddle, Paddle t-shirts on your front lawn and charging $8 a pop is not a garage sale. It just isn't.


• Hot Box Betty-I've only been in there once, but the prices made me want to vomit.


• Priday's- For a very long time, Priday's was a mystery. No one knew what it was. A restaurant? Kinky sex club? Cabinet store? Airplane accessory store? petting zoo? It took years to find out, but finally somebody told me it was a real estate place. Sorry Priday's, but that just doesn't make sense. All of your windows are boarded up, and there are several cryptic hand written notes on your front door. In my heart you will always be a gentleman's foot fetish club.


• Wall Street Guitar-Dicks. A bunch of motherfucking dicks. All of them.


• Seven-A bar in Bend...it used to be a different bar called the grove. I never went into the grove, and I've never been into Seven, but the clientele hanging out front is enough reason not to go in. A co-worker tried to tell me that a bunch of rich real estate guys go there, and it's a great place to drink and get GHB'd, but last time I checked you don't have to be a rich real estate dude to tell girls that's what you are.


• Wal-Mart- It's just so depressing, and the parking lot is SO big.


• Old Mill-Sister, I could write a whole book about why you should stay away from the old mill, but instead I'm just going to give you two reasons: Red Robin and 13-year-olds.


• Imagine That!-It sounds like a scrap booking store...or maybe a toy store...well it is a toy store...it's just a real creepy looking adult toy store. Real creepy.


• Any of the Video Poker/Deli places-I don't think a combination video poker lounge/deli warrants any further explination.

By the way...

Has anyone noticed how delicious laughing cow products are? Do you think they'd want to advertise on this blog?

Today Was Great.

I lied. Today wasn't great...even though I found my sunglasses that have been missing since July. Actually, They weren't really lost so much as behind the kleenex box in my room.

I had an appointment with a chiropractor today, but I found out my effing insurance company doesn't cover that particular chiropractor because they are terrible. But that wasn't that bad, and I found another chiropractor. The brightest part of my day was receiving my paycheck...I was especially pumped because I decided to buy one of those tiny computers that fit in your shoe-pocket. JK, that's not a thing. But, I was pretty excited to have a non-shared computer. I went to the bank after work, and as I was walking back to my car I noticed that prior to making my deposit, my account had -$102 in it. I thought to myself, "This is not right. I should have more money than this. Shit."

I promptly drove home, and began the hour long process of checking my bank account on the oldest computer in the world. When the page finally loaded, I noticed that I had two different charges for $150. For a moment I thought "Maybe I spent $300 at...zynga games???" No. I don't even know what that is. I don't know how to play videogames online. I drove back to the bank where I recieved very unsatisfactory service, but whatever, that's typical of Chase. By the way, you piece of shit ass-whore who stole my debit card number, that debit card is now closed, I'm going to get my money back, and you won't get to play anymore games on zynga, or whatever the fuck it's called, so YOU LOSE.

Anyway, I'm exhausted from listening to myself complain. I'm tring to plan some kind of activity to report on in Bend, but unless that activity is going to work, walking to taco del mar, thinking about buying new pants, or complaining about my life, it will have to wait until my weekend, otherwise known as Tuesday and Wednesday. Feel free to leave suggestions. Also, you should know, I am accepting challenges/dares as long as they are mostly appropriate, and don't involve embarassing others. OK, I hope everyone is having a good day and all that.

P.S. Two and a Half Men is not a funny show, and I don't want to watch it anymore.

My weird leg thing & an evening with Finn Riggins

So, I know I promised to tell you all about the weird thing with my leg, but I was really tired last night/I wanted to watch TV on the Internet instead of typing. So here it goes: basically I can't feel anything in my right thigh...creepy! I went to the doctor but she didn't know what the fuck she was talking about because she told me to take 1800 mg of ibuprofen a day, and though the feeling has not returned to my thigh, it has returned to my stomach in a very painful way. So today I said "fuck that noise," and I called a chiropractor. I have never been to a chiropractor, so I have no idea what to expect, nor do I have an opinion about chiropractors, but everyone else in the world has an opinion! And it is annoying! So whatever.

The real point of this post is to talk about Finn Riggins*, the band. Last night they played a show in Bend at Mcmenanenamins**, a place I generally dislike for several reasons, but seem to wind up at all the time. I'd never actually heard their music before, but the concert was free, and since I hadn't gone out in about a month, I figured, what the heck. And, boy I'm glad I went! I had fun! Yay!

I could do the right thing and analyze their music and all that, but I wouldn't be very good at it, and you would be bored and annoyed, so instead I'll just talk about several events of the night and never make a point or come to a conclusion. The band got on stage and began with a song about death: I liked it. They had keyboards and what I think was a calypso drum, so they won me over immediately! I must comment on the audience, though, because it was a super weird combination of people. First of all, there were way too many babies. Second, there were a lot of folks over the age of fifty. And third, there was an annoying dude with a mohawk who started dancing like people who dance at a ska concert...what do they call that...skanking???
So, dude was skanking, babies was sleeping, and the rest were respectfully but off tempo-ly clapping.

So what else??? It was fun! The dude with the mohawk made his girlfriend 'skank' with him, and it was the most awkward thing ever. It's kind of like when a person is holding a cat that really doesn't want to be held, but the person won't let go of the cat, and even though that cat really wants down, it won't scratch the person because of social conventions and the fact that the cat kind of wants people to think it is super uninhibited and that it dances/is held in public all the time. Does that make sense??? You're absolutely right it does! I kind of felt bad for her, but bitch should have known what she was getting into. HE HAS A BLEACH MOHAWK. GROSS. Fuck, what's my point?! My point is that Finn Riggins was really good. Why? Because all three members were really into it, they sounded great, and their music fondly reminded me of the 1990s (in a good way), mates of state, and other good things. Also, they seemed like nice people. So, they were pretty great and fun.

Unfortunately, I had to leave during intermission because I had to be at work at 7 AM today, and also my companion fell asleep. I would have liked to stay, but I'm 85 years old, so I can't stay out after 8:30 PM. Well, I think this passage is long enough, and I've used enough non-existent metaphors for one day. Plus I'm trying to watch Hobson's Choice, whatever that is!

Coming soon...

Adventures in house sitting! Just like Adventures in Babysitting, but instead of children there is a house and a dog...and some cats! Enthralling!

* I hope Finn Riggins doesn't read this.

**Not the actual spelling

a litlle picie

Oh, hello, I didn't see you there. I was just looking at this picture I made the other evening. What's that? Well, sure you can take a look.

A blog about Bend? bleh.

There are a lot of effing blogs about Bend, Oregon. I read through a few of them, but none were of any particular interest. Sorry to the Bend bloggers association which probably exists. ANYWAY, I wanted to explain a bit about my current situation/why I live in Bend. So, to start with, I was not born in Bend. I don't know why that's important, but it just is. I moved here when I was eight and lived here for ten years. At age 18 I moved to Ashland, Oregon, which was dumb. Unless you move to Portland, Oregon, there is no real reason to leave whichever Oregon town you currently live in. All Oregon towns are the same...a depressing fact that I just realized. While in Ashland I got my bachelor's degree...a degree I have not used and probably won't use, but it's cool. About six months ago it became very apparent that I was going to have to move back to Bend. Long story short, I owe the federal government $11,ooo. Neat-o! So here I am...in Bend...livin' with my parents.

Though Bend was not my first, second, third, nor 30th choice, I had no money, no job prospects, no real "skills," and no magic to get these things! I don't know if you've heard about this or not, but we're in a recession, and it took me two months to find a job, but it's not a good job, it's actually a terrible retail job that sucks the life out of me and makes me want to hurt myself and others. Boo! So at the suggestion of my mom, who makes all my life decisions, I am blogging about stuff so that other stuff doesn't make me do bad stuff to myself or to other stuff.

So, what is this blog about? What is included in this blog? Why do people make blogs? What is water made of? What do all these questions have in common? None of them have an answer! See, now we're learning stuff. I have, however, come up with a list of things that are probably going to appear on this blog:

• Stuff to do in Bend
• Annoying people who annoy me
• Lists!
• Movies
• TV
• Music
• Musings!?
• Outdated references
• Challenges I give to myself
• Reviews!
• More Musings!
• Stories about cats
• Things I wish to own
• History!
• Soda, and when to drink it
• Comics
• Food reviews
• Guns*
• Footnotes
• And that's probably enough!

So please, read this blog. I'm going to update it as often as possible, which considering the fact that I don't own a computer, is only going to be about once a day.** Alright friends, I think it's time for me to go because my leg is doing a really weird thing today. What kind of thing???? Well, you'll have to check back tomorrow to hear that borderline interesting story!

*No, it won't

**Until my parents loan me money to buy one!